The Crazy That Is My Life

I’ve been pretty quiet around here since I returned to work. Yes I’ve got routines figured out and don’t stress over work, yet life couldn’t be any crazier or busier. And the only reason I have time to write a post to begin with is the fact that I’m unexpectedly taking tomorrow off and decided that after I was done doing my last minute sub plans, that I’d write a little post here since I don’t have to be up at 5:15am tomorrow morning. More on the unexpected day off later.

First of all, we’ve entered the phase of extra curricular activities for the big kid. She does ballet on Saturdays and we are quickly approaching her recital and I’m getting anxious about dress rehearsals and recital all happening during the work week. She also started outdoor soccer. This means one day a week she’s got soccer practice and then games on Saturdays. Yep, that’s ballet and soccer on Saturdays. The good thing, though, is that all these activities are at the YMCA. Last Saturday was really nuts. At 10:30am, we had ballet pictures, class at 11:20, lunch at the YMCA, then soccer game at 1pm.

I can’t believe we are scheduled like this. But the kid loves to do all the things and as she’s out of school the rest of this school year, I feel it’s important to have her spend time with other kids during the week. She misses playing with kids her age.

Next, the crazy has to do with the baby. She isn’t not a fan of sleep. Like she never naps unless you hold her. She used to nap. It wasn’t perfect, but at least a couple times a week we’d get naps out of her. So on the weekends when my oldest is in quiet time, the baby is up. So I never ever get respite nap time to work or write.  Sometimes if I’m desperate to get work done, the husband is great and takes both the girls upstairs while I work by myself.

In addition to naps, ever since I’ve been back to work, the baby has decided that sleeping more than 2 hours at a time at night is not fun. She usually wakes up right when I’m going to bed. Then again two more times with the last time around 4am. And by the time I get her back to sleep, I have to be up for my day. Most nights I’m lucky if I get 4 hours of broken up sleep. I’m afraid to say this out loud for fear of jinxing things, but last night she only woke once at 4:45am. I got about 6 hours of sleep. It was glorious! Crossing fingers for that to happen again.

While all of this crazy has been going on, we got devastating news about my grandmother’s health. She’s 89 and we’ve all known that her health was declining, but nearly 3 weeks ago, we found out the scope of it. She’s in kidney failure. If she were younger and without other health concerns, she’d be a candidate for dialysis and go on a transplant list. But she’s not. She’s dying.

Every day gets worse and worse. She’s not able to walk any more because she’s too weak. She’s getting confused and cranky, and though she was aware of her health status weeks ago, she either is in denial right now, or just doesn’t remember that she’s dying. So today, as you are reading this, hospice is coming. On Monday she was given weeks to live.  That’s why I’m taking a day off. Mostly it’s so that my mom, who takes care of the girls while I’m at work, can meet with hospice face to face as she’s been doing a lot of the management of my grandmother on her phone while at my house with the girls. And really, this gives me an opportunity to be there for my mom as I will meet with hospice too. My oldest daughter will be staying home with my mother in law and I will take the baby with me.

Twelve years ago we went through hospice and watching someone die as my grandfather passed away from cancer. This seems so very different. Back then I was 21 and home from college. I was much more removed from the situation. This time it’s right in my face. Even if I’m not seeing my grandmother every day, I’m seeing and talking to my mom every day and know what’s going on. It’s mostly extremely hard on her being her care giver. It’s tiring emotionally and physically for her. And I feel guilt that I get to go to work and not have this in my face as much as my mom does.

Our family motto right now is to just take it one day at a time. Some days are easier than others. But life must go on. I have my girls and my husband and my work and they all do a great job of helping me get through each day. The crazy that is my life helps me to have balance and cope, if that even makes sense.

I will probably continue to be absent around here for a while. And if the baby decides sleeping is a cool thing to do, maybe, just maybe, I’ll find a little extra time.

PS: I’m not proofreading this. I’m just too exhausted. Hope you understand!


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