I haven’t gone to the bathroom alone in approximately 3 years.
I’ve gone to the bathroom wearing a baby in a carrier, with children trying to hug me, with dogs sniffing around and *gasp* even in front of my husband. I have zero shame, sometimes you just have to go. I’ve come to terms with this lack of privacy at home.
So imagine my excitement when I started back to work and found out I got to pee alone again. Starbucks before work? Check! High Heels & Lunch Errands? Check! Peeing without sticky toddler fingers on your knees? HELL YES.
You want my life right now, don’t you?
It’s a big company with a big bathroom with a lot stalls. There are very few times when I’m in the bathroom alone & this has led to me to seriously think about the rules of bathroom etiquette.
Like what happens if someone catches you mid-poop when you are the only one in the bathroom? Do you tuck your feet in a little closer and wait it out? What if they have to poop too? Oh God, even worse… what if they have to poop too and are waiting you out but you aren’t finishing because you are waiting them out and then the two of you are in some sort of silent poop stand off and I’m not even sure how you determine the loser in that scenario.
Seriously, they should put things like this in the employee handbook.
Or how about this one. One day you are minding your business and out of nowhere the girl in the stall next to you starts PUKING HER BRAINS out. What do you do?
I sat there for a minute and debated about what to say. Would I embarrass her? Would I ever be able to look her in the eye again if she finished and came out of the stall?
“Are you okay?”
Clearly, I went with the most obvious & ridiculous question ever to someone who is currently puking at work in a public bathroom in front of an audience.
Well okay… she didn’t give me much to work with, let me try again.
“Can I get you anything? Glass of water? Wet paper towel?”
And then she proceeded to moan and continue to vomit. At this point, I had no idea what to do so I walked out. I honestly don’t know who it was. I figure it is best this way. At least I won’t feel awkward when I unknowingly pass her in the breakroom.
So how about you guys? What sort of awkward public bathroom conundrums have you gotten yourself into?
Joanna Osborne is the author of Growing Up in OZ, a digital love letter to her family. By day she works in Marketing and Digital Media for a manufacturing firm. When she isn’t busy with a demanding full time job, a toddler, a preschooler, a doting husband and 2 crazy dogs, she can be found tweeting about wine as @RaisingMadison.
Photo Credit quinn.anna via Flickr