I am the Queen of Guilt, especially when it comes to worrying about how we parent Daniel: are we spending enough time with him, are we interacting enough with him, are we playing enough with him?
These doubts and worries hit their peak during the work week, which likely comes as no surprise to other working moms. We have roughly 4 hours with Daniel each day during the work week, and I would not call the majority of that time anything close to quality time. Most of that 4 hours is spent doing mundane day-to-day activities: getting dressed, taking baths, making breakfast and dinner, supervising the eating of breakfast and dinner, defusing temper tantrums, preventing the child from somersaulting off the couch/pulling the cats’ tails/running through the house, shepherding a recalcitrant child to and from the car and dropping off/picking up from day care. And always rushing, rushing, rushing because there is always some deadline we are trying to meet.
It sounds fabulous. These interactions are clearly those of which memories are made. It’s no wonder that I worry about our parenting.
There is one part of our day, though, that allows me to exhale, slow down and cherish: our bedtime routine. “Routine” isn’t even the correct word. “Ritual” comes closer to describing that magical time. It begins with the selecting of books. We bring out several of Daniel’s favorite books and allow him to choose 5 or 6. We then head to our bedroom, and after Daniel changes into his pajamas, we snuggle on the bed and start reading. Some of the books are silly while others are sweet. Some are old favorites from Daniel’s babyhood. Sometimes we read to him, but usually our reading is a dialogue with Daniel supplying words and phrases. He is starting to read to us now – obviously from memory – but it is sweet having our roles reversed. He looks up at us and smiles so proudly after he’s finished reading a book to us.
The door to the bedroom is closed, cocooning us off from the world. There are no distractions – no iPhones, no tv, no kitty cats. Just the three of us, reading, cuddling and laughing.
After we finish the books, we bounce on the bed and cover Daniel with kisses. Zerberts are a new favorite. We share a family hug and then open the bedroom door, returning to the world, to say goodnight to the house and to go to his room to tuck him in.
It’s only 30 minutes, maybe only 20 minutes if the books are shorter, but that small amount of time is special and crucial. When Daniel is an adult and looks back on his childhood with a working mother, I hope he thinks about bedtime and the stories we read. The funny faces and voices we made and used. How he had our undivided attention for at least that one moment. And how relaxed and guilt-free his mommy felt.
What parts of your day do you cherish with your child?
KeAnne straddles the world of IT and marketing at large university. After work, she can be found chasing her 2-year-old son, herding cats (literally), attempting to read and watching the Food Network obsessively with her husband. She considers Twitter part of her job and explores the sacred, profane and all points in between on her blog Family Building with a Twist.
What a beautiful post! I was just talking to a friend about how, often, I still rock my 16-month-old before bed. I’m not rocking him so he falls asleep, mind you, because he is perfectly content to lie in his crib with his little musical glow worm until he drifts off to dreamland. I hold and rock him for ME because I want that extra time to talk to him, read to him, sing to him, and snuggle with him because I miss him like whoa during the day. Thanks for this post–as my son gets older, I want to make a habit of reading to him, listening to him read, and alternating ridiculous voices
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Thank you! When D was smaller, we cuddled him to sleep too and it was a special time for us to be with him.
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I love this. I savor those moments, too, usually at bedtime, when our baby is asleep (hopefully anyway) and we can both focus on our almost three-year-old, reading to him and snuggling in his bed. I often remind myself that those are the moments he’ll remember. Whether a parent stays home or works, the kids will not remember the mundane details of their everyday life. They will look back on the times those special moments spent with their parents and their family, feeling happy and secure and loved. And that happiness and love carries through even when we’re not with our kids. It’s so hard to not let the guilt creep in, but I really try hard to keep it at bay, since I know our situation is best for all of us and we are so blessed to have a happy, loving family!
Yes! They won’t remember that we argued over eating green beans or what pair of pjs to wear. I’ll always think of Daniel when I see those books.
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Beautiful post KeAnne! I know EXACTLY the feeling. Seems like we are always rushing to something. I really treasure the days when we don’t have to rush and actually get to enjoy each other for a little bit.
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I have a feeling that the rushing is going to get worse as he gets older, so we’ll always have to focus on finding those special moments.
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This post spoke to me entirely. I sway my 17 month old to sleep to music, and though he gets heavy at 23 pounds, it’s such a quiet, beautiful time. I remind myself that he won’t always be this little. That snuggling together in his darkened room is a necessity for me, after a full day away from him.
I have also tried extremely hard to clear our weekend schedule, even of visiting, whenever possible, because these are the times when we can really recharge and reconnect. Though weekends are the only time extended family who live far away can see my son, it’s also the only time I get to spend a full, slow day with him.
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A perfect post. I feel exactly the same way about the weekday schedule, which is why I don’t feel guilty about letting the boy request multiple books. (Mom reads one, dad reads one, and he gets a “bed book” that is read by either mom or dad once he is tucked in.) The girl still is really tired by her earlier bed time, so she usually gets one book at most and is asleep even before her brother is done bathing. Soon, however, I’m sure she’ll be staying awake longer and wanting more time at bedtime too.
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