When I became a mother, I expected myself to keep a “perfect” house. I wanted hospital corners on the bed, dustless baseboards, and shiny floors. Even though I worked full time, I expected myself to pull it off… delegating some of the lighter duties to my husband and staying up late to finish the more difficult chores. My house wasn’t perfect, but I kept it close.
But then I became a single mom… and all hell broke loose.
Literally.
When I first became a single, working outside the home mom, all the dust and clutter really bothered me. I thought it said a lot about who I am, what I do, and the kind of mother I couldn’t possibly be if I couldn’t keep a spotless house while working full time and parenting by myself. I worked so long and so hard at presenting a specific face to the world… a face that says, “I may be a single working outside the home mom, but I can still do everything I did as a married working outside the home mom, which was everything that a married working INSIDE the home could do.”
Oh how I tried. But no matter how I scrubbed and bleached, the spots and stains just kept creeping back. The glass doors and windows were streaked with dog noses and little boy fingers. There were fluffy dust and dog hair bunnies tucked into corners and inexplicably, jars full of something very sticky kept turning over in the refrigerator door. Try as I might, I just couldn’t keep it all clean.
And I blamed myself… blamed my ineptitude for housework, my inability to prioritize, my insufficiency at any and all things Martha Stewart-esque. I worked twice as hard, cleaned twice as much, and slaved away until the wee hours of the morning only to find that no matter how much I cleaned, there was always more to be done.
I was working my ass off just to be able to say I was keeping a clean house and you know who didn’t care one bit about that? My son. The one person who mattered most could not have cared less if there were crumbs on the floor so long as I was on the floor racing cars with him.
Maybe embracing the mess around here makes me more disgusting. Maybe it makes my house more prone to receiving the one eyebrow raise from Mrs. Fancy Pants from down the street. Maybe I’ve had to kill a few extra bugs and maybe I shouldn’t actually say that out loud. Damn. Too late.
But you know what’s an absolute certainty? I don’t care any more and J never did. And we’re having a lot more fun with a lot less stress now that Mommy’s stopped wearing kid gloves to test the dust levels. You know why? Because it’s impossible to do everything in 14 hours that another woman does in 24… with or without back up. It’s flat. out. impossible. And trying to do it will just leave you stressed and horrified with your inability to do what quite simply can’t be done. Trust me.
Besides, as much as I love a bald man, at the end of the day, I’d rather have my 14 leftover hours with J, not Mr. Clean.
I so needed this today! I am a working mother of two toddlers and when my children get off the floor covered in enough fur from our dog to be mistaken as a dusty bunny, i cringe. when i glance across the kitchen tile and it shimmers in light from all the sticky juice puddles, I feel awful. But you are so right…nobody cares but me. We do not need to make excuses for this when our children are happy. But admittedly, I have looked in to a cleaning service for help. And honestly it isn’t as expensive as I thought it would be. Not sure if I will continue it, but temporary relief works wonder on making mommy happy, too!
HAHAHAHA!!! My floors do that, too! I have laminate flooring in the kitchen so it’s like a mirror of muddiness. Every so often I throw up my hands and think “HOW CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS!” but then I just close the door and focus on something else until it goes away.
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
I am not a single mom and I STILL deal with the absolute insanity of wanting my house spotless–which it never, ever is. I think for me, it’s less about if someone cares, less about cleanliness, and more about control. If I can step on my floors and not have crumbs stuck to my feet, if I can pick up a toy and not find dog hair, then maybe–just maybe–I have it all together. All working moms are so alike, and we’re always so so wrong!! Racing cars on a dirty floor for the win!
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Yup. I get that. Yesterday J was eating an apple and he dropped it on the floor. When he picked it up, there were like a billion dog hairs attached to it and my inner housekeeper threw up in her mouth.
But he didn’t seem to care that I rinsed it off and handed it back to him, so… character building for the win!
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
ha, ha… yep, you just have to ignore the “little” stuff, even if it’s dirt and grime. I spent my whole life as a mommy worrying about cleaning and organizing and in the end… it never really mattered. The kids don’t remember the clean house, they only remember the time spent with mommy, which was priceless. My girls are 18 and 21 and oh how I would give to have a little time back from those days when they were little. A horrible divorce shoved us all into the future and stress and way too much overload.
Do check into hiring a cleaner or a babysitter to help with some of the stuff that doesn’t matter… check out care.com. My daughter worked for several families who were single moms and it seemed to help out the mom and child in several ways. There’s everything from folks who will babysit or even run errands to house cleaning.
I think reaching out and finding help is crucial to us single moms. And, what’s a little dog/cat hair on a cupcake???? hee, hee…
eat ice cream for breakfast and play ALL the time! Enjoy your children without guilt!
great post! We have all been there… most just won’t admit it!
Ice cream for breakfast… wouldn’t day care LOVE me!
You’re right though… there’s only so much time they get to be kids and I’d rather enjoy that time while it’s here, even if it means enduring the “tsk tsk” of house guests on occasion!
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
I just can’t do it. I get anxiety when my house is messy. I don’t mind if someone else’s house is messy, but I cannot have my own house dirty. I started having problems keeping up with the house when my second was born, so we hired a cleaning lady to come in twice a month. We used to order dinner out every Friday, and we stopped that to help pay for the cleaning. I am much happier, and love coming home on Thursdays to a clean house, and I don’t mind cooking on Fridays!
Yeah… I get a little anxious at times when it gets over the top… but on those days I just roll up my sleeves and knock it out. I have learned to deal with everyday messes a lot better. And I’d LOVE to have a house cleaner again. Had one when I was married for a while and it was epic. But I can’t afford it right now… maybe soon!
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
We’ve just put our home on the market so half our stuff is in boxes in a storage shed and we have to keep our place spotless, as though no one lives there (as opposed to the two working adults, 2 year old, and 2 cats who do). I am so glad to see this post today b/c we came to the realization last night that there is just no possible way for us to keep it show clean without living in a hotel. I have no clue how people do regularly. Does anyone really keep their houses perfectly clean, besides wealthy folks with a full-time maids?
I don’t think so!!! You know, I was at the doctor last week and there was an article about women attorneys who are “making it work” both at home and in the office. It was going on and on about how it’s possible to balance work and home and kids and crap… and don’t you know that all three of their profiled “Do it all” partner in the law firm mother of the year candidates had LIVE IN HELP?!?!! Like, not just a husband… a live in maid/housekeeper/nanny.
A girl can dream, I suppose…. but in the REAL world, where the rest of us live? We’re just doing the best we can.
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
Yes yes! Have you heard “A clean house is a sign of a life wasted” or something. Now I like a clean house, but I like other things more like painting with the kids or cooking a big meal, so I’m totally ok with living a mess! A mess means you’ve had fun.
Twitter: bloombing
Hell to the yes.
My house screams FUN IS HAD HERE!!!!
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
This is a hard gig no matter how many parents are in the house. I’m kind of in awe of single mothers (http://tragicsandwich.com/2012/06/26/all-the-single-ladies/). FYI, as a mom who also works outside the home, I don’t know how anyone keeps their houses clean (http://tragicsandwich.com/2012/08/28/why-our-house-is-a-disaster-weekday/).
But you’re right, our children don’t care. As long as we’re not harboring disease, I think it’s just fine to be untidy. It won’t last forever.
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Twitter: tragicsandwich
Amen. Filth is bad, disarray is acceptable.
And honestly, on the single mom front, you adjust to whatever your situation is… it just takes time! 
Every mom is just doing the best they can and no one has it any worse than anyone else.
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
I used to be very OCD about keeping my house clean. My family never had any fun because i was always cleaning. Now I take a step back, do what I can when I can and watch HOARDERS when I feel it is getting out of control and say to myself, “its not that bad.”
Ha! Yes, when in doubt, compare yourself to Hoarders!!
Excellent plan.
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
I was never much of a cleaner. Then I had kids and they crawled on the floor and put things in their mouths! Ack! Annoyingly, however, having kids makes it harder to clean. Double Ack!
Here are a couple of ways I’ve learned to deal:
1) Toys are considered put “away” if they are off the floor and in a toy “area.” I know longer care if there is a car in with the blocks or puzzle pieces in with the stuffed animals.
2) I clean for at least 10 minutes every night after the kids are in bed. 10 minutes is a short enough time that I can make myself do it no matter if I’m tired or want to watch a movie or am going out. I set a timer and do as much as I can before the buzz. Sure, I need to do a lot more than that to really get the house clean, but by doing at least 10 minutes I keep things from getting out of hand, which had started to be a problem. And, for me, the more things get out of hand the harder it is to motivate myself to do something about it. 10 minutes a night guarantees some modest momentum is maintained.
Oh, and I also buy every GroupOn for maid service available!
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Twitter: observacious
Genius.
I love your plan!! I can handle 10 minutes of almost anything…
Law Momma recently posted..Blessing My Mess
Oh how I hear you on this one! I am a single mom to a 3.5 year old boy and from 7:00-3:30 I spend my days teaching science to about 100 high school students. It took me quite a while to realize that I really only care about clean kitchen space to make meals and bathrooms that don’t make me want to wretch, everything else is less important than playing race cars and monster hunter with my son. I figure he will forget the mess (hopefully!) and remember the fun we had