I had an impromptu conversation over Facebook with a friend from high school who is currently expecting her first child. As I lamented that I would be returning to work after a fun-filled summer of sleeping in and cuddling with my 16-month-old, she mentioned that she will only get six weeks of maternity leave when she has her daughter. She said she couldn’t even discuss it without getting sad because she knows how small babies still are at six weeks, and she knows it’s going to be hard.
Yes, it’s going to be hard, I told her. I spent much longer than six weeks with my son when he was born, and it didn’t feel like enough. But, I said… it gets easier. It gets better. And I can say that with complete honesty and experience.
I’ve written posts about how I don’t consider myself a “working mom,” but instead a “mom who works” because I’m sure if it was financially possible, I would choose to do something that would make me more available to my son. I’ve also written posts about how when my son is sick, or I’m cooped up in the house too long during bad weather, I get antsy and wish to go back to work. But I realized I had never written a post about that first day back at work, a day that can be such a rollercoaster for many mothers.
Unlike many people, I get to experience that “first day back” feeling once a year because I’m a teacher. When I had my son in April 2011, I left for the school year and returned in August. That August, I was a mess of emotions, understandably so. Once the year was underway, however, my husband, son and I settled into a routine. I made sure to spend every evening and weekend moment with my son. And things goes easier. They got better.
Then came summer vacation again. For the month of June, the month of July, and half of August, I woke up at 8:30 a.m., snuggled on the couch with my son and watched Bubble Guppies every morning. I went to storytime at the library, a children’s museum, the beach, and the park. I visited bookstores, bought new toys, went on play dates I never have time for while working. I did the stay-at-home mom thing for two and a half months. Then reality sets in: time to go back to work.
I didn’t cry this morning (my first day back) but I had quite a few weepy moments in the last week. Even though I know in my head that it will get easier as the weeks roll on, I can’t tell it to my heart on the first day I leave my son after 10 weeks together. I spent the first hour of my meeting this morning doodling my son’s name and drawing hearts on a piece of paper amidst a small amount of notes, totally oblivious to the goings-on.
I knew my son was waking up, standing in his crib, and seeing a face that wasn’t mine. He’s older now. He understands when I leave. Will he call out for me? Will he cry? I couldn’t focus.
As the day went on, and after I text my brother’s girlfriend to check on my little boy, it got easier. I focused more. I relaxed a little. He’s okay. I’m okay. And we’ll be okay. Just like any other mom who has to work, who chooses to work, or maybe, is somewhere in between.
When I first went back to work I hated all the time I spent away from my son. Now the prospect of being home everyday (or even a few extra days) with two kids sounds exhausting to me. I do sometimes fantasize about being a SAHM, but I never seriously consider it. I can’t imagine keeping the kids busy with outings and crafts everyday, which is what I want for them and which is what they get at daycare. I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t still have that longing to be home like I did was my son was a newborn, but that’s just the way it is.
Sorry for the self-reflective comment, but I actually have another window open working on a post with a similar subject. All this is very much on my mind.
Kim Z recently posted..Mommy Track Flashback
Twitter: observacious
Kim, I think a LOT of working moms feel exactly like you do!!
Shannon recently posted..Working Mom Struggle: Lack of Change
I can definitely say it get’s easier over time. I remember when I had to go back to work and I cried for two weeks at the office. I wish I had put in place some way of working part-time so I can ease my way back in.
But now that my son is 4 and in a school environment day care he is loving it and it makes me feel better. There are days that I still wish I was home with him (those are the days we play hookie) but I don’t cry any more and I’m very please with his independence and confidence he has in himself.
Felicia recently posted..Today Is A Special Day!!
Twitter: feliciapratt
I take sick days when I need some time with my little boy, too
Shannon recently posted..Working Mom Struggle: Lack of Change
Thanks for this post today. It is my second week back at work, my son being 8 weeks this week. I just ran over to feed him at lunch and was crying on the way back. I called my husband asking if he though it would get any easier. I really hope it does because I am finding it hard to concentrate on the work they are paying me to do.
It can be hard to concentrate sometimes, but I find that once I’m in the groove of working, I focus so much more on those times I DO get to be with my son, like on the nights and weekends. And I enjoy them more
Shannon recently posted..Working Mom Struggle: Lack of Change
Now that I’m a “Work at Home” mother, I have a really neat perspective. I left the classroom for the “bedroom.” (Well, it’s an office, but it’s our guest room, too.) Some days, I feel like I’m even further away from my daughter than when I taught from 7-4. I find myself in my office until 8 or 9, often missing dinner, bath time, and bed. It’s frustrating, since she’s 15 feet away from me. I want to hang up my phone, pick her up, and squish her. But then there are days like yesterday; days when I get to spend every day with my girl, playing and cuddling. But, like you said in your post, two or three of those days has me back at my computer, longing for essays to grade and parents to call. I think the goal is to find a balance between being amazing mothers to our children (and I use the plural “our” to prepare myself for William and Eve’s marriage) and still retaining our sense of adult-ness. Somewhere, there’s a perfect line where we spend every possible moment with our kiddos, but also enjoy professions or hobbies which enlighten us.
Let me know when you find that line.