::curse word, curse word, curse word::
Forgive me while I write through some rage issues. Which you can read for you enjoyment while you giggle at my current neuroses and high five yourself that you aren’t nearly as crazy as That Girl...
My husband, bless his hard working heart, has a standing engagement every Thursday night. He has for over a year. He gets together with his friends and leaves the house and does man things which don’t involve wives or houses or kids or work of any kind and it’s almost like frolicking in a meadow except add more ice and pucks and sticks and over-testosteroned men with more beer belly than six pack. (sorry guys, I love ya. Buuuut…let’s be real…) He plays hockey, is what I’m saying. Even though he just got a new job, he was still able to secure a day shift every Thursday so he could make sure he’s at the rink for 7:30pm. That’s right, I said 7:30pm.
Let me paint an ugly picture for you here: I get home at 5:20…I hug/kiss/ask/tidy/cook/organize/acknowledge while outnumbered 3:1 for an extra 30 minutes until Daddy gets home at 5:50. Hopefully the dinner is cooked and we’re able to be sitting at the table by 6:00. Then we attempt some kind of fabled lovely family dinner for an hour until Daddy then has to go. He’s out the door juuuuust in time for bedtime to begin. Oh rapture and joy! #sarcasmfont
Harumph.
Let me be an immature kid myself here for a minute. I want an out-of-the-house activity!!! A standing engagement which has a purpose and takes me out of the house for no longer than a few hours but at precisely the right time that I don’t have to fight the bedtime battle just once a week. JUST ONCE! And listen, it’s not that my husband doesn’t encourage me to go and find and do and please stop talking about it and just doooooo it already! It’s mostly me and my hang ups.
I make up a lot of excuses about it. Where would I go? How much would it cost? What day would I pick- his schedule is all over the map, there’s never a guarantee! What if the kids need my help with something? What if the house starts burning down and I’m not here to know where the photos are backed up to grab for a quick exit? WHAT THEN??!
In general, what I’m saying is there’s a lot of guilt and self-sabotage which accompanies my angst about not having time of my own while my husband makes time for himself. I don’t work out, I don’t want to join a club or a group, I like to do loner things…which makes it harder to justify a weekly “walk along the waterfront with a coffee/ writing in the back corner of a dark pub with a beer.” Maybe I should take up some yoga…methinks I could use it…
Why is it so hard for me to make time for myself? Is it that I feel like I get time to myself at work/lunch and therefore renounce my entitlement to it after work? Is it that I’m trying to reign in all the family time I can get- sadly, mostly out of guilt that I would once a week for a few hours, like to be somewhere else? I know there is encouragement from my husband to take some time out for me. I know that “I get a lunch break” is not an excuse to ignore my personal needs. So why is it so hard to get from Point A of wanting private down time, to Point B of stepping out of the house?
Anyone else feel this way?
DO IT. Just get out of the house. One of the things people don’t see in my and Jon weekly schedule is that I always have at least one night a week where I am not home for bedtime. It is a huge recharger.
I have a standing weekly ladies’ night that I started a few years ago. Every Tuesday, my friends and I get together at someone’s house for cocktails and desserts (cheap). Even if Jon is traveling, I hire a sitter and get the hell out of dodge.
And sometimes, I just go wander Target, bookstores, wherever I want. Or I drive in my car with the music blasting. I always feel so much better after one night out.
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Why do I feel like I need a “real” reason to leave the house?? Like if I had that standing night to get together that it would actually be the only valid reason for my being able to leave? Dumb. So dumb.
(Sidenote: my friend saw me raging on Twitter last night & suggested the first Monday of every month all us hockey widows get together. I’m working on it!)
Twitter: mrshiggison
You’re not alone. Substitute a few details and this could easily be my house. I crave time alone or with friends, but I feel guilty not spending my down-time with the kids and/or hubby. I’m taking up jogging to give me small spurts of alone time and get healthier at the same time. Now to find the motivation to step out of the house.
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This is what I need- just the built-in excuse from MYSELF. That’s so sad- like I can’t possibly “deserve” it…oy. The Mommy brain is complicated.
Twitter: mrshiggison
Haha! I am right with your hubby! EVERY Thursday at 7:00 I go to my kickboxing class. My only exceptions are when I am sick (and I usually have to be deathly ill not to go). My husband travels for work a lot, I always tell him to be back by Thursday evening! My girlfriends and I have just started a wine night the first friday of every month. We made it for 8:00 so that we don’t miss too much time with our kids. But it is still on the schedule, marked on my calendar! It helps. I have yet to feel guilty one Thursday night. It is my time to punch out my aggressions from the week and beat up on my instructor. I come out a happier person.
I feel you. I finally took some charge and got a gym membership this year, but it wasn’t until the summer when I was off that I FORCED myself to go. Now that I’m working again, some days I get out of work and feel that guilt of, “Well, my son’s already been away from me for 8 hours. I should probably skip the gym and pick him up.” Thing is, I’m a shittier mom when I don’t do something for myself. You deserve one day/night a week!
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I can definitely relate. I feel bad if I don’t spend my free time with my family especially my quickly growing daughter. I feel even worse when I do something she could have easily done with me like getting a pedicure or frozen yogurt. My husband and his friends have their guys nights and as I sit at home waiting for him to get home I often wish I spent more time with my own friends. Now that baby #2 is due any day now I’m sure I’ll struggle with this even more. I like the idea of running or engaging in some sort of exercise regimine. Seems like a good place to start.
Thanks for sharing! Hope you get some you time soon and that the rest of us can force ourselves to do the same
Twitter: HisMrsHerMr
I’m actually working on a draft post right now about what our daily routine is like. I’m focusing on weekdays, when we’re both all-hands-on-deck-all-the-time, but on one weekend day, Mr. Sandwich goes biking for several hours. I want him to have that–I absolutely do not want to take that away from him. But I want it, too.
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Ack. I have the same problem. I completely know what you are saying about the excuses. I have been getting a little better, but not much. For instance, I am on a strategic planning subcommittee for our ward. That means that once a month I have to go to a meeting that prevents me from helping with bedtime. ONCE A MONTH to SERVE MY COMMUNITY yet I feel so guilty and am so apologetic to my husband when these things come up. And my husband totally supports it. It’s just something broken in my brain.
I think the only way to get comfortable with going out is to do it, even if it’s just to go for a walk. I promise to try , and you should to. Maybe we should create an online support group. Each week (or month) we have to report some time we spent for ourselves.
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That’s me too. I do work out. By 6 every morning, b/c my daughter’s still asleep and that’s kind of the only time I don’t feel guilty about being away of my own volition. I don’t really have any friends with whom i could make a standing date, but I have been day dreaming about things I could do. Having the energy to leave the house around bedtime is another hurdle (remember that part about working out before dawn?). Let us know if you find the magic answer. I figure eventually my 2 yr old will be a teenager and not want anything to do w/ me, so then I won’t feel so bad leaving to do my own stuff. 12 more years isn’t too long, roght?
This is me exactly! I’m a first time mom to a little boy who is now nine months old. I’m finding it very hard to take time for me…though my husband is always encouraging me to do so. My ‘me’ time ends up being running-errand time. I hate taking time away from the baby after work bc we have only a couple of hours together each day. Once he’s asleep, I’m getting things ready for the next day and then it’s off to bed bc I’m too worn out to do anything else. This is often a point of argument with my husband…. I’m jealous if his 2-3 hour bike rides several days each week, but can’t seem to figure out how to take time like this for me. Maybe it’s bc there is always something that needs done, so even taking time for me wouldn’t be relaxing unless those other things were done. It’s stupid – I know I should take more me time, but can’t get past the guilt of being away….
Oh girl, I do the same exact thing. I have a couple of girlfriends that like to get together for a “girls night”/happy hour on occassion…like it literally happens 3-4 times a year but every time I do it, I feel SO guilty for “ditching” Andy and Rylee (and now it will be Andy and the girls! AHH!). I think part of my guilt though, comes from the fact that Andy almost NEVER goes and does anything like that so I feel super selfish if I do. Bottom line, we’re lame. Happy wife, happy life, right!?
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Oh, this is SOOOO the dilemma in our house (and my brain) too!! My husband and I both work, he has some pretty long days sometimes and doesn’t get to see our 20 mo. old on those mornings and evenings, and it pains him BUT he still made time for 2-3 softball games a week in the evenings he was home early enough this whole summer. It was quite a sore subject. Between work and softball he was hardly home to do the nighttime routine with me except weekends, so I did a lot of single-parenting on top of ALL.THE.OTHER.THINGS.I.DO to make the household run. And I resented him for it. The more he was gone the more I loathed softball. And I used to really enjoy watching him play (pre-kid of course). Like you and other commenters, I don’t want to take his free time activity away from him, but I WANT MY OWN TOO! I also don’t work out or have regularly scheduled get-togethers with friends, but I long to just take my laptop to the coffee shop and sit and do some online scrapbooking a couple nights a month. But to plan for it and actually do it? Yeah, hasn’t happened yet. I too need to wrestle my guilt to the ground… and leave hubby with a to-do list while I’m gone
So I don’t have to come home to all.the.things still needing to be done, just some. Thanks for letting me vent too 
I gave up on the guilt shortly after E was born because I realized how much I needed the night out. Every Wednesday my friend and I hang out – dinner, movie, shopping, whatever. And it is GREAT! The hubs has some free time every day before E and I get home and on the weekends I take her grocery shopping so he has free time. If something comes up and we can’t hang out, I still go shopping or do something to have me time. It is a sanity check and helps us keep in contact. I hope you find something for yourself!