::curse word, curse word, curse word::
Forgive me while I write through some rage issues. Which you can read for you enjoyment while you giggle at my current neuroses and high five yourself that you aren’t nearly as crazy as That Girl...
My husband, bless his hard working heart, has a standing engagement every Thursday night. He has for over a year. He gets together with his friends and leaves the house and does man things which don’t involve wives or houses or kids or work of any kind and it’s almost like frolicking in a meadow except add more ice and pucks and sticks and over-testosteroned men with more beer belly than six pack. (sorry guys, I love ya. Buuuut…let’s be real…) He plays hockey, is what I’m saying. Even though he just got a new job, he was still able to secure a day shift every Thursday so he could make sure he’s at the rink for 7:30pm. That’s right, I said 7:30pm.
Let me paint an ugly picture for you here: I get home at 5:20…I hug/kiss/ask/tidy/cook/organize/acknowledge while outnumbered 3:1 for an extra 30 minutes until Daddy gets home at 5:50. Hopefully the dinner is cooked and we’re able to be sitting at the table by 6:00. Then we attempt some kind of fabled lovely family dinner for an hour until Daddy then has to go. He’s out the door juuuuust in time for bedtime to begin. Oh rapture and joy! #sarcasmfont
Let me be an immature kid myself here for a minute. I want an out-of-the-house activity!!! A standing engagement which has a purpose and takes me out of the house for no longer than a few hours but at precisely the right time that I don’t have to fight the bedtime battle just once a week. JUST ONCE! And listen, it’s not that my husband doesn’t encourage me to go and find and do and please stop talking about it and just doooooo it already! It’s mostly me and my hang ups.
I make up a lot of excuses about it. Where would I go? How much would it cost? What day would I pick- his schedule is all over the map, there’s never a guarantee! What if the kids need my help with something? What if the house starts burning down and I’m not here to know where the photos are backed up to grab for a quick exit? WHAT THEN??!
In general, what I’m saying is there’s a lot of guilt and self-sabotage which accompanies my angst about not having time of my own while my husband makes time for himself. I don’t work out, I don’t want to join a club or a group, I like to do loner things…which makes it harder to justify a weekly “walk along the waterfront with a coffee/ writing in the back corner of a dark pub with a beer.” Maybe I should take up some yoga…methinks I could use it…
Why is it so hard for me to make time for myself? Is it that I feel like I get time to myself at work/lunch and therefore renounce my entitlement to it after work? Is it that I’m trying to reign in all the family time I can get- sadly, mostly out of guilt that I would once a week for a few hours, like to be somewhere else? I know there is encouragement from my husband to take some time out for me. I know that “I get a lunch break” is not an excuse to ignore my personal needs. So why is it so hard to get from Point A of wanting private down time, to Point B of stepping out of the house?
Anyone else feel this way?