Things have been busy around these parts lately. Mostly it is my fault. First, I took off to MEET my internet BiFF Alicia for her 30th birthday, which entailed me hopping a flight at 6am (after coming home at 2am from a concert…dumb), and flying 4000km EACH way for a 24 hour stay in her hometown. It was amazing and wonderful and all of those things which make you go squee, but it was also time away from my famiy. Then just 2 short weeks later, I hopped another plane and went just about as far away to attend this little thing, I don’t know if you’ve heard about it – BlogHer? That had me out of town and away from my people for a good 6 days. Fun yes, but all this time away has made me realize 2 things – I absolutely love the family I’ve created, and even when I’m home with my husband I often miss him.
Sure, we share a bed. Sure we share the chores, and pass off who has to deal with what toddler antics today. We often drive to work together, we do the bath time routine together, we eat dinner together. We do a lot of things together, but sometimes the quality of those things is low. It’s not because we lack love, it’s because we can only do so much.
We both work. We work hard. Him even more so than me. He has one of those jobs which technically runs 24/7. Not that he’s expected to attend to it constantly but even when he’s not actively managing it, it’s happening around him. That means he’s thinking about it. And talking about it. And probably dreaming about it. It means he has to check on it frequently, and there is always the potential for something to need his attention. Something that isn’t me.
If work isn’t enough to keep us both distracted, we have the toddler. She’s amazing and wonderful and the light of our lives, but she’s also demanding. She wants ALL the attention ALL the time, and we’re hard pressed not to give it to her. When we all get home from work and school it’s extremely hard to sit back and say, “Sorry hunny, not now, daddy and I are talking.” It’s hard both because we WANT to give her the attention she’s missed from us all day, and because if you’re NOT attending to her, she is shushing you and climbing you and otherwise making any actual conversation between you impossible. I can’t fault her for it, she’s just doing what she does. She wants time with us just as much as we want it with each other, and she’s a kid and her needs, for the most part, rule.
Sometimes I’m jealous of her, of how she’s able to attract all the attention in the house. Not in some sick sort of way, just in the simple fact that I would ALSO like to crawl into my husbands lap and watch my chosen TV show while he stroked my hair. It just can’t happen, not when she’s around anyway. I suppose I could try to throw myself into a heap of tears on the floor until I get my way but I suspect my only reward would be a side eye from the hubs and perhaps a glass of wine (bonus!).
On top of all the working and toddler wrangling (and bathing, feeding, lulling to sleep etc.) there is the house. I’m not even going to talk more about that because we ALL know what that means. Dishes, dusting, lawns to be mowed. These are often things done in tandem for efficiency, which doesn’t lend time to actual adult conversation above “where are the paper towels?” and “what do you think THIS was?”
For shits and giggles, let’s add in social lives. You know, the thing which isn’t work or parenting, which is actually necessary for sanity sake? The hubs is in a band, I have girls nights, 2 of my BFFs live in my computer which also means FaceTime dates and texting marathons. There is just so much going on, it’s hard to find the time to do much more.
So at the end of the day, when we finally sit down to eat together and watch 1 or 2 things on TV, we are both beat. I’m talked out (I’ll pause while you guffaw at the thought I could ever be), and he’s either got work to do or work he should be doing. I am beyond proud of that man for being so important to his company, but to say I’m not a little jealous of the attention it gets would also be a lie. He does what he needs to for our family, and I in no way fault him for that. I just sometimes wish we could put the work talk and wheel turning aside, and just be.
Reality is, you often can’t. Yes we need more date nights (anyone want to babysit?), and yes we take the time to connect as often as we can. The relationship is important to us both, and we do work on it, diligently. When push comes to shove though, that is just MORE work we need to do, and even if we’re both craving it sometimes we just don’t have it in us.
So at home with him at night I perform my usual “I WILL SUFFOCATE YOU WITH MY BODY WHILE YOU SLEEP” routine of wrapping myself around him (solo sleepers BE DAMNED, give me snuggles or give me death!), and I just lay there and think to myself “how is it that we’re here together but I still miss you so much?” And then we get up in the morning, and start all over again.
Photo Credit (homepage): Phoney Nickle via Flickr
I know exactly where you are right now, and wish I had advice to give you. It is so hard to find the time to connect with your spouse when there is so much that needs to be done, and not enough hours in a day. I have 5 children, and by the time Daddy and I are done with the day, we are just too tired to take the time to reconnect. It’s actually something that we’re both trying to work on. For us we have found that even taking 30 minutes, 3x’s a week, to go for a walk together, just the 2 of us has really helped. During that time, we don’t talk about work, or the kids, or problems, or stress, instead we focus on spending time together and enjoying each others company. This has really helped us.
Flawed Mommy recently posted..Brotherly Love: The Bond That Lasts A Lifetime
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I wish we could do that. Our daughter is only 2.5 so it’s not like we can go out of the house that easily. Getting a babysitter for that just isn’t really feasible.
We do make time to connect a lot. It’s just hard. Mostly it’s fine but some days, I just wanna whine
Brandee recently posted..Pushing Boundaries
Twitter: Babe_Chilla
I can totally relate to this. It seems like by the time we finally do have time together we are so exhausted by everything else. I make an active effort to schedule date nights but it still doesn’t seem to stop the whirlwind that is always circling us. Great post.
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And then you have a date night and spend most of it talking about the kids or work or house projects, right? Lol.
Brandee recently posted..Pushing Boundaries
Twitter: Babe_Chilla
Date night rule= no kid talk, no work talk. Works for us….
I don’t feel so alone now. We’ve been caught up in pretty much this same scenario. This week he’s actually out of town for work (the first time in over 6 months) and it’s been the best reminder of how much we need each other outside of our working/parenting roles. So I completely understand that despite all the effort and body smothering (which I totally do too!) why and how you can miss someone that’s right there. I don’t know if there is some kind of magical cure for this – if you find one let me know!
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Body smotherers UNITE!
I think this is just par for the course really and, to be honest I’d be MORE concerned if I didn’t feel this way, you know?
Brandee recently posted..Pushing Boundaries
Twitter: Babe_Chilla
Yes! I think we’re more aware of our time and constraints and are more affectionate with each other. It makes me feel lucky to be so loved even when we’re so busy. We’ll be “that couple” pretty much whenever we get the chance – I’m gonna love embarrasing our kid one day with all of our lovey dovey!
I love that everyone sees its not about doubting your relationship, but that its about stepping out of all the other hats we wear to be a wife and how to do that in a way that is meaningful! Wifey stars all around!
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THIS!!!! My husband will say, but we just spent the whole weekend together! But we really didn’t. He mowed the lawn, dealt with garden, pre-cooked meals, garbage, recycling, etc. while I did 12 loads of laundry, planned gluten free toddler meals, vaccuming, etc., Together time would be riding together to the grocery store and taking turns wrangling the toddler away from shiny breakables. We go to bed by 10pm every night, even weekends. It doesn’t help that our kiddo requires extra attention for his health needs. We don’t get enough date nights, and when we do, we worry about things going on at home, the cost of the sitter, the pressure to have a super awesome time and failed to just relax together.
It seems many of us have this same issue, what can we do about it? How do we stop everyday life from creating doldrums? Is this the way it is going to be until our kiddos are older and more self-sufficient? Is married life with kids meant to be on hold for a few years? Or is there something I am missing to help us connect?
Twitter: barbrabaker
I know. As much as I would love to consider those afternoons pulling weeds as “together time” I”m not sure that’s quite what I have in mind. And we do A LOT with our kid. Tons of things all the time, but the problem is even those times are significantly more about her than us. And it SHOULD be about her but sometimes I’d like it to be about me. Selfish? Probably but whatever.
We work on it. We do. And I don’t mean to sound like I’m super bummed all the time. It’s just, a lot.
And adding health concerns with your little. I can’t even imagine. Plus I only have one baby vying for my time, I don’t even know what happens when there are more :S
Brandee recently posted..Pushing Boundaries
Twitter: Babe_Chilla
Dude. I mostly live here.
So, with Ryan in retail, we get like one good day together as a family. It blows because we simultaneously want to do ALL of the things and NONE of the everythings all at once. This can’t obviously work.
Ry & I have come to understand that our “together” time isn’t going to be as exciting right now as we’d like it to be. We don’t have the time, money or patience to add another check box to the list of things we’re responsible for.
Are we happy? Definitely.
Do we feel connected? Certainly.
Do I look at him & still think: yep, we’re in this together always? Yep.
And so? Reality just looks like that sometimes.
The fact that you’re thinking about it AT ALL? Gives you 10 wifey stars:)
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Wifey stars indeed. I am certainly not unhappy and don’t doubt our relationship. And it’s not even about longing for the past. It’s just about loving someone so much you’d consider just climbing right inside them to get even closer to their heart.
Maybe this is all just about me being needy? It could be.
Brandee recently posted..Pushing Boundaries
Twitter: Babe_Chilla
I totally get everything about this! It’s so hard to balance it all. It’s rewrading and worth all the struggles but man, oh man is it tough. And a bit exhausting too!
Does your hubby know how much you miss him? As difficult of a conversation as it might be, it could also help…
Kendra @ My Full-Thyme Life recently posted..Weekend Wrap-up: On the mend
Oh he knows
We’ve talked about it. It’s not so much a problem as it is a reality. There just isn’t enough time, you know?
Babe_Chilla recently posted..Punishing You, Punishing Me
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