Bo checks out my best friend’s adorable son, Mack, as I introduce them for the first time.
As I was texting with my best friend this morning regarding how she is handling her upcoming transition back to work after the birth of her first child, she expressed a bit of hesitance at returning to the working world. I can’t say that I blame her – it can definitely be a difficult transition. Surprisingly, I found myself typing, “If you can afford not to (return to work), then you should enjoy the maternity leave as long as possible. They are only little once. Says the pot. 
”
I called myself the pot, because these are not words I would have even fathomed when I was in the throes of making my own decisions regarding maternity leave. Since our conversation, I’ve found myself reflecting on the difficult choices I made regarding my career when my children were still newborns. I’m still not sure I made the right decisions and the right choices. Sure, it all worked out. My children are thriving. My career is blossoming. But I’m not sure I enjoyed that time enough. Those newborn days, especially after my girls were born, are a fuzzy blur in my mind. And even the moments that I’m currently immersed in sometimes feel like they are passing me by at record speed.
When I became pregnant with Bo, I was teaching full-time at a traditional high school (next door to my best friend) and naively assumed that I’d be able to go back to full-time, traditional teaching without a hitch. However, as my pregnancy progressed, I eventually decided to return back to teaching part-time when Bo was six weeks old. There were numerous factors involved in this decision, but I felt like this was the best choice at the time.
In many ways, this ended up being a blessing. I was still able to leave the house to teach for a few hours each day and briefly escape the monotony of babydom. I enjoyed and looked forward to my work hours each day and they made the time that I was with Bo more worthwhile. I was able to enjoy the best of both worlds.
In the interest of brevity, that spring I was hired to teach online. I juggled online teaching with part-time traditional teaching and in the midst of it, my husband was promoted and we eventually moved three and half hours from my mom, my best friend, and my lovely high school. I was twenty-six weeks pregnant with my twin girls, Clara and Anna, and decided to continue teaching online. I did not take a single day off work with Clara and Anna’s birth. I was grading papers while I was in labor. And as my online career requires – there are no “off” days, including weekends.
Looking back, I can’t say that I would necessarily change anything — but I also can’t say that these were the best decisions for my sanity. Juggling twin newborns, a 22 month old, and numerous online classes with 20 hours of childcare a week wasn’t easy. I did (and still do) consider my work to be my break from the rest of my life. I work approximately 20 hours each week. For me, parenting is more difficult than my work — by far. But I can’t help but wonder — what would it have been like if I would have had six weeks off work when the girls were born – to solely focus on them and their brother without any external demands. What if I would have had 12 weeks? Or 18 weeks? Or taken a full year? Would I still have the career I have today? Would my children magically be better behaved now because they had more of their mother then? Would I remember more of those first few months?
I’ll never truly have the answers to these questions. However, my gut reaction is not to let my best friend suffer this same fate. Just because I was crazy, doesn’t mean that she has to be. She should enjoy as much time as she can and as she wants to with her new little guy. Because it’s true — they are only little once.
This is a great post. I think it is natural to wonder about what might have been. I do it too. I took a traditional maternity leave after my twins were born, went back to 40+ hours of work when they were 12 weeks old, then quit to stay at home completely with a little bit of random freelance work thrown in. Then started working at home more regularly and used a mother’s helper to watch the kids. Then went back to my 40+ hours a week full time job, and now I’m transitioning to part-time work. Moral of the story…it’s ok to make changes as we go. We don’t have to figure it all out at once. We can change our minds and our work situation as we go.
Jessie recently posted..A Success Story that Inspired Me
Great point! As a Type-A planner it is sometimes difficult for me to remember that it can change and we can change as our lives do. I really struggle with this concept but I think it is very important for sanity — especially for working moms.
Jamie recently posted..July 2012 Round-Up
Twitter: Jamieweitl
I found that the longer I took off, the harder it was to go back to work. With my first, I took off 10 weeks, went back part-time for 2 weeks, and then full-time when he was 12 weeks old. With my second, 12 weeks would have put me back in the middle of December, right before everyone takes off for Christmas. I got permission to take off 14 weeks instead and came back to work full-time on January 1. Looking back, I wish we had sucked up some extra money loss, and I would have eased into part-time. I found it very hard to go back after 14 weeks off, and I think I cried every morning for a month! I always suggest to people to ease back into things. It is not just a big transition for baby, but for mommy too!
I think it is difficult no matter when you do. Whether that is 6 weeks or 6 years. Becoming a mom is a huge transition and it just changes everything (or at least it did for me) including my work.
Jamie recently posted..July 2012 Round-Up
Twitter: Jamieweitl
This is a nice article but I have to say, the phrase ‘they are only little once’ gives me some anxiety. it’s akin to “treasure every moment.’ Did y’all read the article by the monkee blogger… forget her name… about how not every moment is really treasure-worthy? i think that for me, the pressure to treasure every moment creates anxiety and guilt. like by choosing to be away from my kids, i’m missing very important things. i’m learning to let go of that feeling…. because the reality is, if i’m happy my kids are happier and my happiness springs from many things… and while my kids make me happy, other things do too.
Mary Beth recently posted..Do I look frazzled yet? {A morning recap.}
Twitter: bloombing
Yes, it gives me some guilty and anxiety too — but I kind of think that is the point. I did read the article by Glennen and I agree, there is so much pressure — but at the same time it is that pressure that helps us to determine what is right for us and for our family. I think my overall point is that I wish I would have listened to my gut more and taken a bit more time to enjoy the moment (even though this has never and yet to be how I am) because now those baby days have passed. I tried so hard to “have it all” but still feel like I didn’t quite make it.
I came across this post last night and loved it — http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2012/07/the-weight-of-having-it-all/
Jamie recently posted..July 2012 Round-Up
Twitter: Jamieweitl
It is hard to think about, isn’t it? After having my son I went back to work full time, but it broke my heart to be away from him that much. I was able to work part time and spend two days at home with him for over a year, but as my second pregnancy progressed my job responsibilities increased. I increased my work time again. Although I took 11 weeks of maternity leave with my daughter I returned to a nearly full-time schedule. Both kids are in daycare 50 hours a week.
I am grateful for the time little bit of extra time I had with my son, but I feel a loss of not having similar time with my daughter. She is nearly 18 months old now and already so big.
“Only little once” indeed.
Kim Z Dale recently posted..List 3: Eating in Edgewater/Andersonville
Twitter: observacious
I agree. It is such a balance and it’s so hard to feel like we are ever doing it “right” or that something or someone isn’t being overlooked.
I think if we could all find that perfect balance we’d be great — it’s just so hard to find — and also so different for everyone.
Jamie recently posted..July 2012 Round-Up
Twitter: Jamieweitl
I live in California, so I had a lot (for the U.S.) of maternity leave available to me; the catch is that most of it is unpaid. In total, it comes out to seven months, but most people can’t afford to take that much time off.
Fortunately, my husband and I were in a position to do so. We definitely cut into our savings quite a bit, but I was able to stay home until Baguette was 4-1/2 months old. And I’m really glad I did–it meant that I got to really enjoy her emerging personality, rather than only have the first weeks of exhaustion to be at home.
She’s in day care full time, and Mr. Sandwich and I work full time, and this works for us. I wish everyone had the options I had, and I wish that more of the time had been paid, so that the option would be viable for more people.
Tragic Sandwich recently posted..Here Be Spoilers
Twitter: tragicsandwich
Exactly. I think this is one area where the United States really fails is maternity leave. I used my remaining sick days with Bo and now that I work from home there was no option at all for any type of paid time off. It’s those options that make such a big difference!
Jamie recently posted..July 2012 Round-Up
Twitter: Jamieweitl
I agree and often wonder what life would have been like if I had not returned back to work after the birth of our first daughter. I cried so much that first week, only working part time, but the thought of someone else taking care of her made me feel like less of a mother in some ways. I was no longer her sole care giver. I eventually looked forward to going to work after she was 6 months old, but always wondered what it would have been like to not have went back to work. I had 11 weeks off of work – 10 of it were paid. The closer I got to going back to work, the harder it seemed to be to even think about. This time around, we have moved over 14 hours away from our hometown, and I will be staying home, not working with both our newborn son, and 2 1/2 year old daughter. I am really looking forward to not working this time, so I can enjoy the time I have with them together, I just won’t have the family support I had with our first. It’s a trade off, but at least I will know what I missed with our first this time around, and maybe be more grateful- hopefully!
I definitely understand about the lack of family support. I was also in that position when my girls arrived which definitely complicated everything even more.
Jamie recently posted..July 2012 Round-Up
Twitter: Jamieweitl