When I first went back to work, I was a pile of hormones, nerves, guilt, and anxiety, sitting in a rolling chair in my principal’s office crying. I truly believed, in my heart of hearts, that I was doing the wrong thing by going back to work, but that I didn’t have the choice to stay home because financially, we’d sink.
Christmas break rolled around, and I shopped for my little man, watched him learn to crawl and open presents, spent time with family, slept in… all of the things I would totally do if I were a permanent stay-at-home mom. Right? Oh, how I love to be wrong.
Summer has begun and I’m thinking back. Last summer, I sat at home recovering from giving birth with a newborn who was chillin in a bouncy seat while I folded laundry and watched daytime television. Yes, I had many sleepless nights. Yes, the baby needed to eat every freaking two hours because they grow every time they breathe those first few weeks. Yes, I was stressed. Yes, the baby cried for no reason (well, it seems like no reason, doesn’t it?). Yes, I feared he was colicky when he had stomach issues and we switched formula multiple times. But that was adjusting to a new normal. Those months went by really quickly. I enjoyed being home because it was the only time I could figure all that shit out.
Now I’m home with a 14-month-old toddler. Running around. Throwing food from his high chair. Laughing at everything. Mimicking words and sounds. Pulling the dog’s tail. Combine all of these things with the fact that I’m totally not used to all-day stay-at-home motherhood and a tropical storm named Debby that has me surrounded by closed, flooded roads and TRAPPED in my house for days on end. Cue stir-crazy paranoia.
My mom lost her job recently, which is awful and worth another post altogether, but why it is pertinent to this post is because she gave me all the supplies left over in her classroom. I could have stored these in my garage or in my house for the remainder of summer. But Lord of all the Heavens, I needed to get out. So I literally mapped my way around the flooded streets, left the babe with my husband, and drove a car full of boxes to my school the other day.
I breathed deeply. A drive alone to my place of work where things seem more normal.
One of the summer school teachers offered to send her students out to help me. No thanks. I’ll take my sweet time. And I did. I carried one box in at a time, through the door, down the hall, to my classroom. Four times. Then I moseyed in to find my assistant principal, took his keys, opened my door, returned his keys, took a trip to the office. You know, nothing I needed to do. Except it helped my sanity. I think I was gone two hours, but that little bit of time rejuvenated me. I feel so, so, so guilty for saying that.
Let’s face it: I’m meant to be a working mom.
I love, love, LOVE spending time with my kid, pinning all kinds of sensory play ideas, waking up at 9:30 a.m., pulling him out of his crib and snuggling and eating breakfast together. I really do love it. But at some point throughout each day, unless I plan something and get our asses out the house, it gets stifling. Not sure if that makes me a bad mother. But I do know I’m the kind of person that needs my own thing. Even though my own “thing” of teaching sometimes mouthy teenagers how to read Shakespeare isn’t always a breeze, it’s still my thing. I think what’s important to me is not only is it my thing, but every day it’s different. Yes, I have to get to school at the same time, but the lesson of the day is different, each student responds to it differently, and I guess, as guilty as it makes me feel to say it, sometimes I need those other people, other personalities, other adults and even other children, to make me who I am. Ultimately, working makes me a better mother who appreciates those evenings and weekends at home.
Photo Credit: womensdish.com
I hope that doesn’t make you a bad mother because then I’m bad, too.
I hope you find a way to survive the summer. Might you be able to get help (perhaps from your mom) for at least one day a week, so you could get some time for yourself?
Twitter: observacious
Glad I’m not alone, Kim! We will certainly more than survive the summer–I’m trying to plan things outside of the house so we all get a change of scenery. My husband is a teacher, too, so he’ll watch the baby while I go to the gym and things like that. And my mother-in-law is thankfully always willing to help! I just feel bad asking her to when I’m off, you know?
Shannon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: B is for Bath
By late Sunday afternoon, I am sort of looking forward to the work week and having some quiet time because I don’t get much if any on the weekends. I feel a little guilty about that but as an introvert, I need that time.
KeAnne recently posted..Surviving Type-A
Twitter: KeAnne
Moms ALWAYS feel guilty. It’s so ridiculous. I know what you mean… although, I never get “quiet” time at work surrounded by hundreds of teenagers! Haha!
Shannon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: B is for Bath
I tell people all the time that I was meant to be a working mom! I’m not a teacher so I don’t have summers off and am I glad! LOL I do fine with a few days here and there. My love of my career it no where near my love for my children but I need it to be me. I come here and can be ME, not mommy, not wife, not sister, not daughter, but just me. Granted I am an assistant to a COO so that has its moments but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Twitter: melissamott
Oh Shannon, you are NOT a bad mother.
You know what’s funny? I was JUST having this same conversation with a friend the other day. She’s a teacher, a coworker of my husband’s actually. She’s 2 weeks into Summer and is going NUTS with her 2 kiddos (4 & 2). She took them to daycare the other day. And my reaction? GIRL, MORE POWER TO YA! It was so nice hanging out with a mom who is totally on the same page I am when it comes to loving being a working mom and knowing that it actually makes us better, more appreciative parents when we are NOT working.
Katherine recently posted..Here We Go Again: June Update, I carried a watermelon?
Twitter: lilmissrysmama
Ugh, I totally hate admitting if I drop my son off at my mother-in-law’s to do something because not everyone has that luxury, and I feel some sort of weird you-MUST-seize-the-day thing when I have the summer off. But dude, this kid is exhausting. And I’m sure sometimes, he’s sick of my face. We went to the splash park today (good weather helps me NOT go crazy) and had a blast–those days I love. Sometimes, though, you just gotta break free!
Shannon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: B is for Bath
Did you say 9:30 am? Jealous. Oh, so jealous.
All of those feelings you describe I have — but I have no where to go. I do breathe a sigh of relief when the babysitter comes for a few hours to let me work – even though I can still hear the chaos upstairs. And I do plan outings or playdates nearly every day — otherwise the walls start to cave in.
Jamie recently posted..June 2012 Round-Up
As a WAHM, you definitely must face these feelings tenfold. I can’t imagine keeping up with THREE so close in age like you do, Jamie.
And yeah, my son “sleeps” til 9ish on weekends/vacations. However. He cries every morning at 4:00 a.m. until he can get himself fall back to sleep about an hour later. And he doesn’t go to bed until 9:30 at night. lol.
That hour has to be torture. Ugh.
My kiddos go to bed earlier — so I guess that is part of the issue — but the 5:30 am wake-up calls get old really fast!!
Jamie recently posted..Summer Fest
That doesnt make you a bad mom at all! It is hard leaving our little ones at home. But one day they will admire their mom that does great in all aspects of life, career, parenting and family! The work you do one makes you a better mom!
I really hope this is true! I want my son to see me as a balanced person. My desire is definitely to excel in the workplace, but to make sure I have enough energy and care for him, as well. It’s hard to balance both!
Shannon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: B is for Bath
Thank you so much for this article! I have to return to my job as a teacher in August after having my son. Every time I think about leaving him I cry! I can relate to what you are saying here and it gives me hope that I might too be meant to be a working mom!
Lisa,
It is going to be hard. It is going to be hard for a while. But I promise I’m not being trite and cliche when I say it gets better. And seriously, there is NOTHING like when my son started recognizing the time of day and calling “Momma momma momma” and I would hear him before I opened the door to pick him up. Melts your heart <3
Shannon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: B is for Bath
Yes! I feel like teaching is a hybrid working mom/SAHM kind of position, even though it doesn’t really feel like it until I’m near a break or summer vacation. I completely agree about getting out of the house, needing a break, and the horrible weird guilt that NEVER GOES AWAY. How dare I be reading blogs over coffee while my son is awake, entertaining himself? How dare I recognize that by August, I’ll be eagerly anticipating the new school year? My son is only 8 months, so I’m new to all these feelings, but reading about other great teacher mamas helps me feel like I’m not insane. Thank you for writing!
Ashlie recently posted..Summer Family Reunion
These feelings are so new to me, too! And YES about the blogs, and twitter, and facebook… How dare I do that ANYTIME except when the boy goes to bed? Haha. I never looked at it before, but as a teacher, we are hybrids! I’m a SAHM for three months out of the year and more than two weeks at Christmas!!
Shannon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: B is for Bath
I am so with you I was not meant to be a SAHM. I was meant to be a working mom. I am a teacher and I really enjoy my time off with kids. However, this is the first summer in four years that I am not already itching to go back to work. I am dreading pre-planning on July 25, and I am really dreading the halls being full of kids on Aug. 1. I have made it a goal to NOT work at all this summer, so far so good.
My son is 16 and my daughter is 4 and this summer we are all just clicking and making things happen. I do take the 4 year old to day care two times a week. I do it not only for ME time, but also to kind of keep her on a schedule so she does not melt down when she has to go back full time.
I’m so encouraged your blog post and the comments. I quit my job when my son was 5 months old because my work schedule didn’t give me enough time with him. The sad thing is, I cried more about leaving my job than I did about leaving him with a nanny while I was working. It’s been three months since I’ve been a SAHM and I still wonder if we made the right decision. I know I’m wired to work, which is why I’ve been trying to get freelance work, but it’s still not the same as being in the office. (Your story about wanting to bring the school supplies to the office made so much sense to me!) I think working part-time and staying at home part-time is ideal, but I don’t have that option with my previous employer. The next best thing for me is to freelance. At least I can still get my creative/intellectual juices flowing AND have that precious time with my son. Thanks for your honesty!
I have written this post a couple times. I had my 2nd son in March and I don’t go back to work until end of Aug. I am so ready to get into my classroom it’s almost silly.
And I totally send my kids to daycare 2 days a week. I need a break!
Katie recently posted..Ditching the Get Away Plans
Twitter: ksluiter
Thank you thank you thank you! Reading this post made me smile so wide! I am also a high school teacher (science) and I find myself getting a little stir crazy too hanging with my 3.5 year old little man every day ALL day this summer. I am making an escape to work next week to set up my classroom as well
It is just so refreshing to hear another mom say that being a working mom is what’s right for her. For me, I think being a working mom makes me a better mom. Thanks for your honesty!
Meghan recently posted..Cookies for breakfast?
You’re welcome! So glad you can relate. I love talking with fellow teacher mommas
Shannon recently posted..3 Months, 6 Books
So glad to know I’m not alone with feeling this way! I feel most guilty on Mondays when I go back to work after a weekend alone with the babies (DH works all weekend) because I actually WANT to go to work.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE being with my boys, but I go stir crazy if we don’t get out or plan enough activities, or find a little “me” time in there somewhere.
Thanks for the article! I was at the library with my 2 yo daughter and she was playing on the computer. I asked her to get off and she told me she couldn’t because she was busy working. At first I thought it was cute, but then I realized that this is what I tell her!!! I felt bad, so on the weekends I try to make sure my paperwork is done and the house work is done…..almost done….so that we can do something together. We find something to do together on Saturday and Sunday. But, at the same time…..I am ready to send her to daycare on Monday.