Back in October I wrote about my tales of a working mom trying to get some sleep. I guess I should have known that having a good sleeper during the infant years obviously meant that once toddler years rolled around, I was in for it. This of course resulted in almost a year and a half battling, well not actively battling because I just placated her, sleep issues with the kiddo. Ultimately, with so much going on in my working momma life and personal I didn’t feel equipped with the mental stability to take on getting Abby to not only fall asleep on her own, but stay in her bed for the duration of the night. We had done some modified sleep training with her around 8 months old, which worked. But it was hard. Hard on my soul.
And now, my soul is aching. All year I told myself that this summer was it. When I had a break from work, I was going to work on this. Abby can totally fall asleep on her own, as proven when I’m not around. She’s playing me. And now, she’s playing on my heart strings as she wails during nap and bed time, while I refuse to give in.
Part of me feels guilt. Hell, who am I kidding. ALL of me feels guilt. I feel guilty for using being a working mom as an excuse. I mean so many working moms aren’t teachers and do this type of thing all the time. And then I feel guilty thinking about the fact that I do have this luxury of a break, while other working moms don’t. It’s a circular guilt trip all around. But mostly, I feel guilty for putting Abby through this. Especially now when she can think on her own. She has emotions she can express to me. She can say to me, “I need you mommy,” through hysterical tears. GAH. Heartbreaking.
I try to not have regrets in life, but sometimes I wish I didn’t push this all aside for so long. I told Brandee it was mostly because I’m lazy as to why I’ve let this go on for so long. But really, I think it’s more so about how hard sleep training a toddler is. And as I’ve recently decided to stop shoving my emotions down, figuratively and literally, I need to come clean. Brandee, I’m not lazy, I’m scared.
And as I’m taking on changing my lifestyle around, I’m able to more wholly work on this sleep thing with Abby. I’m working on my emotions. On feeling them. On going with them. On letting go of hoarding all that guilt. And knowing it’s OK to feel sad as I sit outside her door, listening to her cry for me, with her door wide open. And in the back of my head feeling I’m still winning because she’s still in bed.
We’ve made lots of progress so far. We started with baby steps about three weeks ago. Baby steps not only for Abby, but also for me. Just as Alicia is finding great success with sticker charts, so are we.
And it worked right away, save for a night she woke up sick. But we won’t count that.
Then two weeks ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to lie in bed with her as she fell asleep. Instead, we would read a book, then I would sit next to her bed, rubbing her back. She was totally fine with that, but then she started not caring about that sticker chart and was getting out of bed in the middle of the night. One night I had to put her back in bed 4 times. I finally bribed her with a sticker. :::Stickers are magic::: I was still teaching and cursing myself for deciding to take this on before I was officially on break.
A few days later, she was back to sleeping through the night, getting stickers on her chart. But then this past weekend, I transitioned to a new routine of book, rubbing her back, then sitting outside her door while she fell asleep. And this is where those ugly cries began. One night I had to put her back in bed 10 times. TEN! But I held fast and didn’t give in.
We’re not there yet. I’m still sad sitting there listening to her cry for me. But she stays in bed, and eventually tears subside. And my sad and guilt I know will eventually subside.
Working moms, has there been anything you put off doing because you just felt it was too hard to deal with one more thing as a working mom? Please tell me I’m not the only one.
EDIT: I wrote this post Monday afternoon. Monday night, as I settled in outside her room, preparing to hear her wails and “I need mommy,” as I did during nap time, nothing was heard except for her rolling around getting comfy in her bed. I’m winning. Next up, just leaving. No staying outside her door where she can here my allergy sniffles to know I’m still there. I’ll give it a few days, though, because now she says to me as I leave, “Mommy stay outside mah door.” Baby steps people.
Sleep training is definitely difficult — and fraught with guilt.
All of mine have given up naps and Bo and Clara both sleep through. I embraced your sticker idea to try to keep Anna in her bed through the night, and thus far it’s working most nights.
As for going to bed, some nights are better than others. I can’t just lay with them until they fall asleep since there are three of them but I probably would some nights if I thought that would work. We’ve found that the nights that are the most difficult are the ones where the kids didn’t get enough physical activity during the day. If they’ve been outside running around or to the park, we have a lot more success at bedtime. If we’ve been inside all day coloring or doing puzzles – not so much. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time outside — even though it’s going to be 100 degrees this week!
Twitter: Jamieweitl
Aren’t stickers magic! Yes, the outside time, keeping busy helps so much. I’m trying my best to keep the kid running around all day, even if it’s hallway soccer because it’s raining. And today, we start swim lessons! The glorious aspects of tiring out from the pool. I can’t wait for nap time
Twitter: wa_tracy
The guilt. My guilt comes from working at the moment. How am I supposed to keep putting him back in bed when this is about the only time to snuggle recently. So when he creeps in usually not until 3 or 4 am I just scoot over and we snuggle up.
He was also a stellar infant sleeper – total toddler terror sleeper now. Cries at bed time for me not to leave, tries to stall anyway possible, calls me back in there countless times. I know I need to put my foot down but the guilt currently has a hold on me.
Twitter: SurfMommaBlog
They are playing us! It’s so hard to deal with. I put it off till I was emotionally ready to deal with it. We’ve got to prepare ourselves. Maybe baby steps like I’ve been doing. Compromise. By doing so, I’ve only had small pings of guilt instead of big huge pangs. It will get better momma. Promise. Just do it when you are ready.
Twitter: wa_tracy
Working moms, has there been anything you put off doing because you just felt it was too hard to deal with one more thing as a working mom? Please tell me I’m not the only one.
POTTY TRAINING. Ugh I hate this. I will be on maternity leave this fall with kid #2 and I’m waiting til then. She’s too strong willed and I’m too exhausted right now!!
I hear ya! Both Brandy and I have written about potty training as working mommas. It’s worth a look to show you it can be done. It will happen. I mean just because we work doesn’t mean our kids won’t learn to potty on their own
http://liberatingworkingmoms.com/category/working-it-out/potty-training/
Twitter: wa_tracy
PROGRESS! That’s great news. It’ll get better…obviously it already has been. I don’t care what people say, toddlers can be manipulative little boogers.
Hold strong, Mama.
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Twitter: lilmissrysmama
SO DAMN MANIPULATIVE! Abby says to me now, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She thinks if she uses my words she will win. But right now, I’m holding tight to the reins of control!
Twitter: wa_tracy
Oh the guilt that comes with sleep training! I’m so glad things are going better. The thing that helped me was to surf the Babycenter “Helping your baby & toddler to sleep” board, reading all the comments and posts of people going through the same thing, even if they were old posts. And I have to admit to wearing headphones :-S (for 10 minute increments). We also used a sleep consultant the first time when she was 12 months, that helped a lot as well.
These things really suck. Well done for telling your feelings the way they are – stuffing them down doesn’t help.
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Awww darling, this is a hard one. I can’t even tell you how many times we have gone through this ish.
After the big girl bed she started with the middle of the night wakes all over again. She doesn’t want in our bed and she doesn’t want us in ours, she asks for MILK. We made the mistake of giving on and now it’s a tactic. However, it works so we use it and ya, I’m going to have to break that habit eventually but I am scared heehee.
Abby will get it, she will. And soon she’ll be all “see ya” and you’ll be doing what I do, wishing for night cuddles!
It’s a never ending circus of insanity I tell you. And an exhausting one to boot.
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