I had a conversation the other night, a short one, with a fellow working mother. We met up at a fundraising meeting and discovered at the end of it that our daughters were in neighbouring classrooms. We got talking about how we don’t really know any of our kids’ friends because we work and aren’t in and out of the school often enough to see them day to day.
It made me a little sad. Like I’m missing so much about this non-academic portion of my daughter’s school life. Bella is a very social girl, has lots of friends and is very easily recognized in the few times I’ve been in the hallways with her. She has brought home a fistful of phone numbers with various names I’ve heard in conversations and she gets a lot of phone calls herself. A few playdates here and there have been organized and it’s always a thrill for her to be able to go back to school and talk about it the following Monday. But that’s really the extent of how much I know her friends.
Further to that, I don’t really know her teacher either. Bella’s teacher happens to be the staff advisor on the Parent Council with me, otherwise I could count on one hand the number of times I’d ever laid eyes on her. She communicates incredibly with us, make no mistake, but that added connection of physically standing at her classroom door is something I just don’t get.
We hear a lot of rumblings about communication with daycare providers- parents want to know the owners of their centres and the teachers their child interacts with. It’s of utmost importance to mothers and fathers that their nap logs and food journals are kept up to date and filled in with as much information as possible. We all want to know what our kids were doing when we weren’t there. We want to feel like the level of care and attention is as high quality as possible. I expect the same from my daughters’ teachers…but it’s less acceptable for me to demand the same feedback. Right? I wonder though, would I get it if I was picking them up at the door every day?
If I wasn’t a working mother who walked in the house hours after her daughters get off the bus, would I know more about my kids’ days? One time I picked Bella up early by chance. Her teacher told me that she had been fussing a bit about a stomach ache and a tooth ache. None of this was in the agenda where all communication is kept. It wasn’t entirely relevant, Bella was mostly faking out of attention/sympathy for her sister whom she knew was in the hospital that day. But it was extremely helpful to know. If I was the mom who parked her minivan and collected them from their teachers every day, would I feel like school was less of a blank spot in their day?
I know they learn at school. I know they love school. Their teachers are both excellent and I am 100% confident in their learning environment. It’s not the school that has the shortcomings here…I fear it’s me. And it’s by choice. It’s one of those things I have to give up unwillingly while I willingly make the choice to work. Yin and yang and…oh who even cares? It makes me mad, ok? Cue temper tantrum and arms crossed and harrumph and all of it. I WANT TO PICK MY KIDS UP FROM SCHOOL, OK?!!? But I can’t. And I have to trust that the fact that they’re doing well means just that: they’re doing well. The rest is maybe just none of my immediate business. I will press them for information at home around the din of dinner table conversation. I will pen a note to a teacher asking for some insight into why Nika won’t tell me why she’s mad at her friend. But mostly I just have to let it go.
Because school happens to be one of those things I can’t control (I don’t like those things) and better yet: I shouldn’t. Eventually the cost of parenting means you have to take your hands off those strings and let them filter through your fingers, hoping against hope that they choose the path you want for them. And staying just enough in their good graces to earn the right to hear about why they chose that different one. I make a lot of noise about why I chose to work. And I have to stand behind that choice, even when there are parts of it I don’t like.
But I still just want to sling their little backpacks over my shoulders and hold their hands in the hallway. That’s not so wrong, right?
...they're just so cuuuuute...
I don’t think this is just a working mom thing. I never knew parents to come to the classroom every day to pick up a kid. Either bus or carpool. Seems like the teacher would have enough on her hands trying to get her class organized to leave for the day and get the kids home safely. While I know you want to go and pick up, I don’t know if you would be winning any brownie points from the teacher. Just a different world sadly.
this is just your transition to when they won’t tell you everything anymore
Brandy recently posted..Worms…and not the healing, make you smart kind
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At their new school, everyone is bussed or dropped off- there are no houses close since it’s a new construction basically in the middle of a field. I’m sure there are other parents feeling the same way I do.
Just another motherhood myth I had growing up- gently smooshed for me. Whomp whomp:)
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Its not a working mom thing. What about all of the kids who take the bus to and from and have SAHM’s? My parents both worked, but were self employed so my dad drove us to school and my mom picked us up. They never came in the school, nor did any other parents that I can remember. If there were any concerns, they scheduled a meeting with the teacher and got to know them at parent/teacher conferences. Maybe your school has more parental involvement, but its always been my understanding that once they’re done with daycare/preschool, they are learning to be more independent. There are so many guilt provocateurs for us, but I don’t think this should be one. Give yourself a break.
Maybe it’s my small-town upbringing…I grew up in a town of 3000 and almost everyone picked up their kids in the younger grades.
You know how you just picture something and then it doesn’t happen and you’re like “but wait…?” LOL
This is that for me.
mrshiggison recently posted..A flightless bird
Twitter: mrshiggison
I agree with Brandy this is so NOT just a working mom thing. I know our schools FROWN upon parents parking and coming into the buildings. They want the kids on the bus or in the carpool lines. I noticed with my son that at about 3rd grade I had to start prying information out of him about his day. Now that he is in 10th grade the only reason I know anything is because I work at the same school he attends. I “spy” on him (his words), and he pretends he does not know me.
My daughter is 3 and right now she tells me everything. I hate to know that as she grows older she will keep more and more to herself. Its just the way kids are. The stuff we want to know is unimportant and a non-event in their minds.
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I guess I never really thought of it from a teacher’s perspective…that’s probably pretty accurate. I know they have a set of bussing guidelines that they follow so I’d probably just be annoying as all get out all up in their business of “what did Bella eat for lunch today?” junk:)
I’m fortunate that Bella (6) is a sharer, and has been since the first ever day of school. Nika (4)? Not so much. I have to really work for information from her. Sigh…I guess we can’t have it all, huh?
mrshiggison recently posted..A flightless bird
Twitter: mrshiggison
Its really a safety issue… having parents and students walking across carpool lines can be dangerous. Also, the parents would have to check into the office and if a “STRANGER” happened to sneak in at the end of the day when it is hectic anything could happen.
Our schools do let “K” parents come in the building during the 1st week only. After that they follow the normal procedure of bus line or car pool lines.
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