What Halloween Taught Me

By Brandee Contributor

As I sat home last night feeling like the worst mother on the planet, I had to wonder if this was the first of a long string of things that would jab me ever so not gently in the heart. I was feeling like a horrible mother because, it was Halloween’s Eve and I had not found 1 thing for Everly to wear to daycare for Halloween day. It was not for lack of trying; I had literally visited 6 stores looking, I had just been too late. WalMart, Zellers, SuperStore, Please Mum, Gymboree, and The Gap failed me in my time of need, which made me feel like a failure.

You see, Thursday, 5 short days before Halloween, daycare sent a notice that basically said they would be doing an orange and black, or Halloween inspired clothing theme on Halloween. The toddlers would then be changed into costume after snack, and walk a parade with the 3-5′s in the courtyard. No one was required to participate, but everyone was welcome.

How fun I thought to myself upon reading the email. I will just whip on out to any of the big box stores within a 20 minute drive of my house and BOOM! Halloween inspired clothing for the win! Everly would of course be right up there with the cutest, dressed in a spider tee and some witchy socks and life would be good. I’d have photos, we’d look back on them one day when she’s 16 as we sat drinking tea. It was all going to be great. Her costume was squared away (bought by grandma, and nothing added to it – more on this later), so I just needed something for the daytime. I was pretty happy that daycare was going to change them after snack, because I figured that would help Everly not cover her costume in paint, glitter and cheese.

I should have learned by now that nothing is as simple as it seems anymore.

Saturday morning came, and Everly, a friend and I got in the car and flew off to Walmart. Surely they would have something for us, I mean, they are WalMart. I thought we’d be in and out in no time. I thought wrong.

WalMart had nothing, and I mean NOTHING in line with what I wanted. Not a shirt to be found. No socks. Nothing. Just a selection of overpriced, plastic costumes and that is not what I wanted. I could not even find an orange t shirt in the boys section (forget girls, if you don’t want pink then you better like red because they aren’t really expanding the color palette much passed that). We searched, we tried, we even bought the only thing we COULD find, which was a pumpkin bib, just in case. I was frustrated but also not shocked. It’s not the best WalMart anyway. Off to the park we went, and I figured I’d find something Sunday.

Sunday morning came, and the hubs and I packed Everly into the car and braved the mall. On a Sunday. The mall, with a toddler, on a Sunday. I was going to find my child something and she was going to look awesome and I didn’t care about the rest.

I won’t even tell you how many stores I went in. Anything that might have ever consider selling kids clothes was on my list. I was going to find something. The closest I actually came was a pair of hideous orange, black and white stripped leggings in a size too small. I really contemplated it, even though I had nothing she could wear on top and knew she’d look all ridiculous stuffed into too small pants. At that point I didn’t care.

We left the mall empty handed. Once daddy was putting her down for a nap, I was off to another store to look. The store was complete insanity, people everywhere, but I couldn’t find anything Halloween. I could have dressed her in any number of Christmas inspired clothing items, but that is not what I was after. I settled on an orange boy shirt with a picture of a stupid blue dog on it because holy hell, she was going to wear something to go with the theme or I was going to have to hand in my mom card.

I returned home defeated. My hubs wasn’t exactly sure what had me so upset (to be honest, I wasn’t either) and I pouted. Later in the evening, while whining on Twitter, I was reminded that I have mom fail written all over me. Ideas were pouring in for how easily I could have solved this problem. All I needed was a white shirt and a sharpie, or a black shirt and white puffy paint, or any number of other brilliant ideas I had not thought of.

Sigh.

Am I really this mother? The one who works and doesn’t even get herself together enough to send her kid to daycare fitting in with the rest of the crew? Was I really going to have to send her to school in some half assed attempt at Halloween, with her boy’s t shirt and black pants? Was I really so daft that the simple use of puffy paint or markers completely skipped my brain?

Yes. Yes and yes.

Lucky for me, my roommate/most awesome person ever saved my ass, yet again (what I lack in ability, creativity and general mothering skills, she makes up for in spades,which is weird considering she doesn’t have a kid of her own, but she’s mama2 to mine, so lucky for Everly). As I sat, tweeting on the verge of tears, this picture came through on my phone along with a message that said “I bought E a Halloween t shirt today!”

I LITERALLY cried. It was the most perfect Halloween shirt to ever shirt itself, and NOW, my dreams of sending her to school completely rocking it were real. Thank-you friend!

When I put Everly in that shirt, I was so proud. She was rocking this Halloween theme and, despite my lack of usefulness, she was the cutest thing going. Pheeeeeeeeew! We did it. We managed our first organized party type activity at daycare, even if it was in the nick of time.

Once we arrived at daycare, I was again reminded of the fact that the whole creative, crafty, wonderful mother gene was missing in me. All the costumes were hung there, waiting for the afternoon parade. Sparkly butterfly wings, hand sewn lady bugs, kids with covers on their boots to look like grass. These other working moms had managed to do what I hadn’t even really thought of trying. I hadn’t added anything to the costume grandma bought E (for a whopping $10 I might add). Other than allowing her to wear her new boots, I hadn’t done much of anything. I didn’t even take the tag off until the morning.

I went to work feeling defeated again. Later, when the streets around my office shut down and I saw all the kids starting to trick or treat the stores, I was feeling even worse. Why hadn’t I done more for Everly? Was she going to feel let down? Did I just ruin her?

You be the judge:

In the end, the day went well. She got to eat her first ever trick or treat treat, and that was all she cared about. She wasn’t even interested in continuing to gather candy, she just wanted to sit down and have her lolly. I was all worked up about all this stuff, and she didn’t even notice. And of course she didn’t because she’s 19 months old and I let her have a lolly. Who cares about anything else at this point, right?

I foresee a lot of this in my future; me stressing and comparing myself to other moms and Everly loving me despite my lack of whatever it is I’m lacking. Part of my issue is that I am really competitive and then of course, I’m also a perfectionist which is a lethal combination. I also care too much. I care too much how she is perceived. I worry that my lack of trying will reflect poorly on her (even if I did try my ass off and fail anyway, no one else knows that). I worry that she will ever suffer a consequence caused by something I did. I worry she will get the glares that say “you poor girl, your mother doesn’t even try”. I worry because that is just what I do.

I would bet a lot of money (which I do not have) on the fact that none of this stuff matters at all to anyone but me. I am sure no one at daycare thought “pfft look at THAT kid” or “what, no hand stitching?”. Of course they didn’t. I’m the only one who cared. It’s strange how perceived or anticipated judgment can make you feel so bad, even when it’s not real.

Maybe it’s because this was the first real “thing” that Everly got to do. It was her first cognizant “holiday” where there was attire and themes and art. It was the first time she would be outside with a bunch of other kids, doing something like this. It was the first time there was any type of party at daycare.   Whatever it was, it felt really bad at the time, but it doesn’t matter at all now. It was all over so fast I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t spend much more time on her costume. The hour we were out and about would not have been relative to the hours and hours it would have taken me to make something (it wasn’t even relative to the amount of time I spent worrying about it).

This Halloween taught me that I am just not that mother. I love her, and I will try my hardest but, I’m not the type to even think these things up, let alone have confidence in my ability to execute on them. I’m not that mother but, it is going to be ok (probably, maybe, I hope. Or not, but hopefully, maybe).