By Krista, Contributor
The first time I heard it was a few days after my return to work from my first maternity leave. I was chatting with a co-worker one morning, talking about gossip I might have missed when he asked who was keeping my daughter while I worked.
“My mother-in-law,” I answered. “We’re really lucky to have her.”
“Yes you are,” he agreed. “When we had our first one twelve years ago, we decided the wife would stay home. We didn’t want someone else raising our kids.”
I may have visibly flinched.
Twenty months, a new baby and another maternity leave, a handful of fevers, a couple weeks of vacation days and countless diapers, bottles, scraped knees, meltdowns and kisses later, I’ve heard the “raise your kids” comment more times than I can count.
“Don’t you want to stay home and raise your kids?” asks the well-meaning acquaintance at WalMart.
Most recently, I was aching to move to a better climate or an area with better career opportunities, and my husband responded with, “But then we’d have to put the kids in daycare and I don’t want strangers raising my kids.”
SIGH.
Is it any wonder that so many working moms feel guilt over working? Is it a stretch of the imagination to understand why we beat ourselves up for being away from our children 20, 30, 40+ hours a week?
So let’s just put some of that guilt to rest.
If you are a working mom, listen up.
YOU ARE RAISING YOUR CHILDREN.
Not daycare. Not your mother. Not your great aunt Bessie who keeps the kids and makes better chocolate chip cookies than you.
You. And your husband, if you’re in a two-parent household.
Not only are you getting kids up and ready to go in the morning, making lunches, signing homework, transporting children, changing diapers, arguing over what they will and won’t eat for breakfast, serving up dinner, tossing in a load of laundry, cleaning up toys, buying gifts for teacher appreciation day, applying band-aids, soothing swollen gums, making doctor appointments, scrubbing floors AND making a cake for an upcoming picnic, you’re doing it while holding down a job.
You’re calling the pediatrician between meetings. You’re scheduling conference calls around Little League games. You’re running to the grocery store on your lunch hour. You’re buying a birthday gift online instead of going to actual stores. You’re using your sick days when your baby spikes a fever.*
You’re using your income to provide for your family.
Working and raising the children are not mutually exclusive.
I get that maybe they spend more time with daycare or the sitter than they spend with you. I’m also a firm believer that it takes a village to raise a child. Your children will have many other adults in their lives who will influence them. Family members, your friends, their friends’ parents, their teachers and coaches and the boss at their first jobs – all of these people will spend time with your children. But they are not raising your child any more than a stay at home mom raises the child does more than her working husband.
Together, you are teaching them the values that you find important. You are showing them right from wrong. You are setting examples. You are both there for them when they need you. You are showing them that you love them. All day. Every day.
Even when part of that day is spent at work.
If I had superpowers I would make the “raising your children” phrase die a quick but painful death. (Right after I made something that would make microwave pizza taste like real pizza.) But I don’t and it probably won’t.
So, chin up, working mommas. Shake off the guilt, let the comments roll and know that you are doing what’s best for your family. Or if it makes you feel better, use your pointy-toed shoes to kick the offender in the shins.
*This is not to say that stay at home moms don’t have it just as hard. Hell, stay at home moms don’t even get sick days.
I’m so glad you put YOU ARE RAISING YOUR CHILDREN in bold. So flipping glad. I was talking with someone toward the end of my school year and she asked me who was “raising my kids” while I was at work. I almost blew up. It’s very frustrating that people even think that way. I cried for days over that comment.
It never even crossed my mind that I wasn’t raising my child until I started hearing it everywhere. Then I got mad! I don’t think people realize how offensive that comment can be.
Twitter: notmommyofyear
I stayed at home with my little one for about 8 months. Imagine my surprise when I realized that being a SAHM was not ideal after all – for either of us. Even if I hadn’t landed a great job, I would have ended up sending her to daycare or school at least part time so she could get out of the confines of our house, PLAY with other kids, and so I could have some time to tend to the home. Despite doing activities each day, when I was at home, we were both bored.
Being a SAHM is wonderful in some ways, but I have a theory that being marooned in your suburban home just you and your kids isn’t the way it was meant to be. “Back in the day,” we lived in groups. I miss her like crazy during the day, but “raising her” happens when I rock her at night, feed her dinner, and cuddle her on Saturday morning. When I come home at 5, she hugs me. I’m not too worried.
I agree completely. I love my kids and I love my days home with them, but I feel good about our situation. It’s what works for us. And you too apparently. Although, my kid usually runs in the other direction when I come home at night because she wants to stay with her grandparents and play. haha!
Twitter: notmommyofyear
Thank you…I have been thinking about this alot lately…I love your perspective and I do feel less guilty
Good! There’s nothing to feel guilty about. But I’m glad the post helped you feel better. If you ever need a pat on the back, you know where to find me. Other working moms are my heroes.
Twitter: notmommyofyear
A lovely day care center WATCHES my daughter whilemy husband and I are at work, but you are so right! Nate and I are RAISING her.
Twitter: mrsmidatlantic
Yep! Exactly. My in-laws keep my kids (for now, Chessa starts daycare in the fall). But they’re not raising her. They raised my husband and his sister. They’re done raising kids. And probably couldn’t be happier about it.
Twitter: notmommyofyear
THANK YOU! I too have been thinking about this a lot lately. I had a meltdown Thursday after a particularly sleep-deprived night with my 16 mos old. A co-worker who stayed home her now-grown daughter’s first 5 years, said “I could *never* have left my daughter when she was so small.”
I too am a firm believer that there are many benefits to be had from exposure to other adults and especially to other children. Can they tattoo hyperlinks? I would like this on my palm to put up when people make their “insightful” comments!
Twitter: smallerstuff
Oh yeah, I’ve heard that one too. It’s great that people have the option and the desire to stay home. That works wonderfully for some families. But not for all and blanket statements like that can be hurtful, especially if you’re already feeling bad about it anyway.
Twitter: notmommyofyear
I love this…LOVE. Every single bit of it!
Twitter: lilmissrysmama
Thanks, lady!
Twitter: notmommyofyear
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I can’t tell you what a good time this comes – after countless conversations with my husband (and friends) recently about the guilt I am experiencing with being a working mother of one (and one on the way). I never try to think that the teachers at her daycare/school are “raising” her, but sometimes I do catch myself (and my husband) mentioning those very words. Just glad to see someone else out there is on the same page. So, thank you again.
-Erin (@smyrnagal)
Yeah, the second time Craig said it I stopped him. He totally didn’t mean it to be offensive or that we weren’t good parents. it was just something that rolled off his tongue. Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you liked the post.
Twitter: notmommyofyear
Hey, I worked full-time while raising our two and they are A OK! I even did it when it was not
acceptable socially. Thank God times
have changed. Children know who their parents are and love them unconditionally whether their Mom’s work or stay at home.
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you… and well-said.
Thank YOU!
Twitter: notmommyofyear
One of my fellow teachers has said to me several times since having Abby, “Oh, I don ‘t know how you do it. I could never have worked when my kids were babies,” all the while listening to me talking about doctor appointments and specialists to be seen for Abby. She did not help my mental state one bit. But she always said, “I admire you.” So there is that.
Twitter: wa_tracy
You know, I think it’s important to recognize that most people probably don’t mean for that comment to come off as snide or hurtful. I am in awe of stay at home moms many days so I’m sure there’s just a level of “how do you do it?” I just wish there was a better way to have a discussion about most parenting choices without leaving them feeling judged.
Twitter: notmommyofyear
This is AWESOME. And needed. And spot on.
I love being a working mom. I love having adult time. I love drinking coffee at my desk without worrying about having a hot beverage in my hands. I love that my little girl will have me model modern motherhood for her, in all its up and downs, goods and bads. There is no such thing as a perfect mom, even if you get to stay home. I doing a damn good job and so are you. Thanks.
Twitter: thesheck
Thank you Sistah!
Oh Krista. I needed this today. I’m in tears as I read this because seriously, I felt worried. I felt like having the daycare ladies with my girl more hours than I am just hurt. Sigh sigh sigh.
Twitter: jessesco
Here is my other thing, why is it that when they are in daycare, someone else is “raising them” but, they magically turn 5 and go off to school, and it’s “good for them” or whatever? I mean, often they spend just as much time at school as they do in daycare, and no one bats an eye at that? Is this to mean that after 5 years old, you’ve done all the raising and taught them all you can, and now it’s someone else’s turn? Obviously not.
My daughter’s daycare is full of fun and experiences she would never have with me. Not because I am a bad mother, but because I am not a good stay at home one. I don’t honestly know what to do with her on the weekends half the time, let alone all week. And I sure as heck cannot have 11-24 other kids (her daycare is a centre with 12 on the infant side and 12 on the toddler, and they often combine in the day) at home for her to play with. She does arts, crafts, learns songs and a plethora of skills at daycare, which we then use at home. They may be teaching her things, but I sure as heck am raising her! She loves the freedom, the play time, the everything at daycare, and I think raising your children includes exposing them to things they enjoy.
Also, this theory to me means that all dads with SAHM wives are NOT raising their kids themselves either. I mean TECHNICALLY, someone else is right?
Even if I was the SAHM type, and I know now that I am just not good at it, my family needs my income to survive. We need my income to be able to enjoy things in life, and I need to work to remain sane. I think working mothers who sacrifice to make it work are raising their kids by showing them they too can do whatever they want.
Anyone who thinks otherwise can shove it. Honestly. Who is raising your kids? YOU ARE!
Twitter: Babe_Chilla
Well, AMEN, my friend. Love this perspective.
Twitter: notmommyofyear
I don’t have kids but I totally respect mothers, whether they stay at home or have a paid job.
Should I ever have magical powers for a day I’m going to pay all parents a salary, just for taking the job.